Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
