I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
