So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
