It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
