my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
