There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
