I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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