so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Randomize
