you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
