he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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