My Higher Power is John Stamos
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.