he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
