hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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