Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
