i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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