I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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