Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
