I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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