I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
