yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
