We won't sleep together?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
