and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
