Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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