All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
