Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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