Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
