Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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