I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
