I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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