im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
