Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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