Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
