Screwed.edu
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
