So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is Oprah even human
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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