maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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