you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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