4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
how can u be prego again
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
