I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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