so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
