Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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