you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
