doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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