i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
