can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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