Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I am midnight drunk by noon
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
