YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
