It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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