i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
