my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
