She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
