apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you inspire me to be a worse person
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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