Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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