How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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