no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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