So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
