Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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