Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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