I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
