New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
