I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
