finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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