Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
